My day is jam-packed with work and family obligations.  How can I carve out some “me” time?” ~ No time

Dear No time,
The notion of not having “me” time is a myth. Unfortunately you will have to carve out some time to start working with this. Ha!

First, go stand in front of a mirror and look deep in your eyes. Ask yourself this: Is it true that I have no “me” time? Or is it a story my mind keeps telling me?
How do you feel when you think you have no “me” time?

Now imagine if you had this other thought instead: I have enough “me” time if I look carefully at my days. Does that feel better? More free?

Here’s one way you can figure out how to carve more time for yourself. Make 3 lists. You will need about 10 minutes for this.

• All the things you Have to do in a day.
• All the time you waste in a day.
• The top things you want to do during “me” time.

Check the first list: The things you have to do or you think you have to do.

1. See if there’s anything there that you don’t really have to do. You just have made yourself believe you have to. Bag those.
2. Is there anything on that list that you can barter? Have someone else do it in exchange for something you offer them. Barter those.
3. The rest is your real to do list. See if you can make any of them better by adding some “me” time to it. For example grocery shopping. Can you add half an hour for you to stop at the park and just do nothing but be you? 😉

Now look at the second list: How much time you waste all day, doing things that you don’t really care about. I used to waste a lot of time reading other people’s problems on Twitter, for example. Collect all these times, and use them for “you”.

And third look at the third list. What do you want the “me” time for? Use your time you saved from list 1 and 2, to fill up with things for you. Nap? Music? A walk? Lunch with a friend? Schedule them in your calendar as the important things you have to do.

Remember, you are your most important responsibility, before family, before job. If you don’t fill your tank regularly, you’ll run on empty.

Much love,

Leda

Dear Leda,

I live in constant fear of things going wrong with my kids and no matter what they want to do, my mind jumps to the worst possible outcome.

I try not to let it effect them and I never stop them from doing what they want but I live in agony every time they go out to do something. It could be anything between a school trip abroad to a 20 minute drive to their friends house.

I understand rationally that worrying doesn’t help. I’ve also developed coping tricks that help me but, I wonder if there is another, maybe more spiritual way that I can stop feeling this way.  I’m seeking some spiritual relief.  I’ve tried learning how to meditate to calm myself, did yoga, but my mind never really lets me or I just won’t let it.  ~ Sleepless

Dear Sleepless,

You have asked for a spiritual approach and I will answer that. But, I would like to have a longer conversation with you and work on some different approaches as well, maybe past trauma and belief patterns. Understanding how this worrying side of you developed to protect you from something and helping her see a new way of processing thoughts will help. What I understand from your note is that you’re trying spiritual approaches but your mind is getting in the way. So questioning your thoughts is a good practice. I recommend Byron Katie’s The Work and other ways of guiding your mind towards more pleasant thoughts. Not avoiding them, but understanding and guiding them.

Spiritual:

When you’re in that intense worry state, you are in contracted awareness. All you can focus on is the possible horrible outcomes. You are separated from Source. In contracted awareness, things become problems, there’s suffering.

One way to get relief is by expanding your awareness. In this new state, you don’t feel tight or fearful and solutions rise up by themselves. You are connected to Life, to Source, and other people.

Whenever you feel any worry, take three deep breaths and say silently to yourself- I’m willing to let go of the struggle. I’m open to answers from my Inner Wisdom.

Allow the worrying thoughts to be there, but take the Observer role, as if you are separate from the worrier. Be kind to that part of you but expand your awareness to see yourself connected with Source. You can use your breath to help you here. With each inhale, imagine your Self, the Inner wisdom, expanding more and more. You can even have it expand outside your body and fill the room. In this expanded state, your worry doesn’t seem to be as intense or agonizing.

Bring your attention to your body. Feel your feet, wiggle your toes, and gradually go up to legs, hips, torso, shoulders, arms, neck and head. Feel the sensation of your breath and know that you’re here, in this body, alive and well.

As you practice expanding your consciousness from constriction to expansion, you start trusting that you and your family are loved, cared for, held gently.

One beautiful thing you can do here is the Loving Kindness meditation. Hold the images of your sons and say to them:

May you be happy, healthy and whole,
May you have love, warmth and affection,
May you be protected from harm and free from fear,
May you be alive, engaged and joyful
May you experience inner peace and ease

You can picture them receiving your wishes. Much better than sending them mucky worry, right?  You can change the words to your own, making them apply to the specific situation.

Next, you can wish the same things for yourself:
May I be happy, healthy and whole
May I be worry free. etc.

Hope this helps. Much love,

~Leda

Dear Leda,

I start a new job either the end of April or middle of May (people other than me are making that choice) After 30+ years doing essentially the same thing – now changing from more subservient role to provider.

How do I deal with the fear of not knowing what to do; actually in an area I’ve never worked in.  Basically – dealing with fear of change, even when it’s something I actively went out and looked for… and should be a really good thing. I hope. ~ KJ

Dear KJ,

Your question can be approached from several different angles because there are many layers to it. Some thought work might be useful for the fear of not knowing what to do. But for this space, let’s look at your fear of change.

Let’s compare it to jumping from a diving board into a pool.
Does it feel like you’re jumping into a beautiful clean pool?
Or does it feel like you’re jumping into a pool of contaminated, dirty water?

Jumping into the first pool might be a bit scary, but it’s not repulsive. It’s anxious excitement, which comes naturally with any big change. Think back to when you first started the old job, were you afraid then? Did that fear subside after you got oriented to the place? If this is the fear you’re experiencing, it’s just normal new job jitters.
Jumping into the second pool is repulsive! How do you feel up on the diving board looking down at that yucky water? Do you want to turn around and go back? Is your entire body screaming NO? If this is the fear you’re experiencing, then this is not the right move for you.

Try this. Imagine you’re at your new job. Be there in your mind’s eye. Use all your senses. Who’s there, how does it smell? What sounds are there? Do you feel that fear? Where in your body is it? Any constrictions? Butterflies? Is it in your chest, your solar plexus, or your belly? What does it look like? Any shape or color? Sit with that fear for a few minutes, get to know it, let it grow even, let it expand.

Can you allow it to be there? Can you come closer to it? Greet it – hello there! Even embrace that fearful side of you and say, I know it’s scary, but it will be OK. We will deal with it one step at a time.

If you don’t resist the fear, accept it as something a part of you is experiencing, allow it and comfort it, it will subside.
Finally. Does this new job taste like freedom to you? If it does, take that leap of faith.

Don’t hesitate to call me to follow through.

Much love,
Leda