Blog - Leda Asmar Life Coaching

Brookie and I

December 27, 2017

When I rock my precious granddaughter to sleep, I sing quietly to her- some favorite tunes, or Armenian lullabies. But the first song I sing that calms her is something I make up, the words change often but it’s mostly along these lines. And she sings back to me…Aaaa aaaa aaaa aaaa. My precious angel, my Brookie.

You and I
We’ll plant flowers together
We’ll pick apples together
We’ll chase butterflies together
We’ll watch fireflies together
You and I

You and I
We’ll laugh at squirrels together
We’ll pet puppies together
We’ll hug elephants together
We’ll ride dragons together
You and I

Brookie and I

You and I
We’ll bake cookies together
We’ll smile at strangers together
We’ll make new friends together
We’ll spread kindness together
You and I

You and I
We’ll have adventures together
We’ll climb mountains together
We’ll cross bridges together
We’ll swim rivers together
You and I

Brookie and I

You and I
We’ll count the stars together
We’ll find shapes in clouds together
We’ll fly to the moon together
We’ll play among the planets together
You and I

You and I
We’ll love everyone together
We’ll love each other forever

You and I
Brookie and I
Brookie and Nena
Together

The Power of Acknowledging Past Traumas

January 8, 2017

I posted this blog on Huffington Post on 12/9/16

For years I was in denial.

I refused to see any behavior in my family that might be interpreted as bad or abusive even in the slightest degree.

This was my family!

My parents worked hard to keep all five of us children fed, clothed and educated. They were good people.

The other reason for the denial might have been that, as a child, I had no idea how things should be ideally. Weren’t all kids in the same situation? Many of my friends sure were. Wasn’t every child afraid of her father’s anger if she did something wrong?

If someone asked me if I had a happy childhood, my answer always was “I’m sure I did. I was good in school.”

Later, that kind of reasoning moved past my family to apply to conditions of living in the community, in the country. I became desensitized to abuse, violence and even war.

I saw difficult situations as just part of normal life, why talk about them? Why make a big deal?

I can definitely see how these experiences helped me grow resilience in the face of future traumas, but they left unconscious scars also. Only after acknowledging the source of my scars could my wounds start to heal.

Things changed when I remembered and acknowledged some of the difficult situations in my life.

It started with a simple trigger. I was looking through some old family photos my sister had collected lovingly and saved to a disc. There were many pictures I’d never seen, especially from the early period of my parents’ marriage. It was obvious that as they had more children, their time to photograph them had decreased.

But there were a few family pictures with me in them and these released pain I’d long since buried. Unconscious memories with a few conscious snapshots came rushing in and I was shocked to find myself sobbing uncontrollably on and off for days.

I was finally feeling the emotional pain of some of my past experiences in my body instead of suppressing them as normal difficulties of life.

I will share one of my earliest memories from the time when I was a month shy of three years old. My twin sisters had just been born. Mom had complications and had to care for two newborns. My older siblings were in school or self sufficient, but I was still in need of total supervision.

So for my own safety and care, mom’s aunt Rosa took me to her house for a while.

My vague memories are of following Rosa nana around, or just being by myself in her living room. I remember walking around that room touching sofa, chair, sofa, and chair. I might have been talking to imaginary people to entertain myself. I have a visual memory of sitting at her kitchen table while she fed me.

Rosa nana was kind and I know I loved her.

But how could this three year old understand why she wasn’t with her mama anymore? Could this have been traumatic to her? Did she feel lost? At that age, she had no way of understanding the circumstances.

Much later, mom told me that as a child I used to sit at the edge of a chair and rock back and forth, a habit I had kept into adulthood whenever I felt stressed. Did it start when I was three? Had I developed a way to soothe myself?

We tend to understand trauma only in terms of war, major accidents, rape or physical abuse. But it is much broader than that.

Trauma is actually any experience that overwhelms you.

As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a leading researcher in the field of trauma puts it, “trauma is fundamentally a disruption in our ability to be in the here and now.”

It’s anything that’s too much, too soon, too fast for our nervous system to handle; especially when a successful resolution can’t be reached.

People need professional help to deal with extreme cases of trauma, but gently looking into our overwhelming experiences and integrating what we learn about ourselves can help make life much easier to navigate.

One added benefit of this gentle inquiry is disrupting the repetition of the same story we tell about ourselves over and over again, like a beloved companion we can’t let go. “I’m aloof because I never had friends growing up”, “I can’t trust people because of the way I was brought up”. It becomes easier to disidentify from the stories and see them as just past experiences.

As an adult, I used to wonder why I kept repeating patterns of behavior that weren’t helpful to me at all.

I used to go out of my way to please people — people I didn’t even like that much.

I used to be afraid to speak my mind when I didn’t like the way I was being treated, afraid to rock the boat.

Or the other extreme — I used to lose my temper and yell because the only way I knew how to get someone to listen to me was to scream at them.

I used to find comfort in food, overworking, over-giving, and over-reading, as ways of numbing myself.

How about you? Do you repeat behaviors that you know aren’t helpful to you or others? Do you suffer from chronic pain or anxiety or do certain situations make you extra sensitive? Maybe you also have unacknowledged painful experiences in your life.

You don’t have to go back and dig around to find the old trauma. But just acknowledging the ones that you remember instead of denying their existence makes a huge difference in healing and moving forward.

Continuing to suppress emotions around those events is not the way to heal the wounds. There’s a difference between knowing something happened to you and feeling your emotions about those same experiences. If you stay stuck in your head, you’ll tend to try to rationalize or make excuses or stories about what happened. This is your mind trying to protect you from feeling the pain.

Instead, allow yourself to feel the emotions in your body, feel the pain as sensations. Sit silently with them, what do you sense? Is there tightness in your chest, choking feeling in your throat, butterflies in your stomach, or a heavy weight on your shoulders?

Talk to your emotions and pain. Yes, talk to them. What are they trying to tell you? What is the message they want you to hear?

Allowing the pain to be there and tending to it like a friend will help it flow out and complete the circle to heal the trauma.

In my case, I spent some time looking back. I sat at the edge of a chair and rocked back and forth, feeling the pressure of the pain of that sudden loss of mom in my chest. The sadness felt like a heavy rock on my heart.

I held the 3-year old me close until she relaxed into the belief that she’s not going to be taken away, that I will always be here with her. The rock on my heart grew softer and softer until it melted and poured out of my eyes and the three year old completely relaxed.

I still don’t remember as much as I wish I did, but I’m filled with love, understanding, forgiveness and compassion for my parents, my siblings and me. This isn’t the mental thought of “I love my family.” It’s the gut level love felt in my body.

I understand now that my big fear in life has been not being important enough, not being loved, being abandoned or left behind.

That fear has been the reason for the unhelpful behaviors, my drive to look for ways to soothe the pain or make sure I was loved at any cost.

I remember as a preteen asking my mom if I was the neighbor’s daughter. And later in life saying things like “I must be invisible,” “I must be nobody.”

Acknowledging this trauma, and releasing the trapped feelings around it, helped identify one of the experiences where this fear was first established. This showed me why I didn’t need to be afraid anymore. It taught me I could be the one to love myself, to put me first, and to communicate my needs much better.

Look back into your life to see if there were times of trauma or extreme overwhelm. Allow yourself to feel those emotions around the event. Where are they in your body? Offer love, kindness, and support to the parts of you wounded by these events. And if they are big traumas, please ask for professional help.

Don’t resist them, befriend them and ask for the messages they bring to you. They have the power to heal old wounds and bring more balance to your life.

When you understand yourself, it becomes easier to see when your old fears are surfacing and reassure yourself that –

That was then and this is now.

You can be on your own side.

You have agency to act on your behalf.

If you need help doing this, reach out to me on my website. ledaasmar.com

You Have The Knowledge And The Opportunity — What’s Stopping You From Acting?

January 8, 2017

I posted this blog on Huffington Post on 10/3/2016

A thousand years ago, when I was a nursing student at the American University of Beirut, I learned so much more than anatomy, physiology, health, diseases and nursing care.

I learned enduring life lessons that I’ve carried forward with me, that have helped shape who I am and how I want to be in my life.

One of these lessons came from Miss Sy, (pronounced “see”) my medical-surgical nursing instructor.

Miss Sy was a beautiful, svelte woman from the Philippines, with soft features and long shiny hair that she always had up in a neat bun on her head. She was a serious woman who reserved her smiles and laughter for special occasions.

I was assigned a patient (I’ll call her Mrs. K) who’d just had surgery for retinal detachment. I’d read all about her condition, what precautions to take after surgery, and the nursing care she’d need.

But my best friend was given a much more difficult patient, a man recovering from heart surgery. I felt jealous and immediately thought they didn’t give me something hard because I’m not as good as my friend.

So, I approached Miss Sy in the hospital hallway and told her my patient wasn’t challenging enough, could I please get a more difficult one?

I’m pretty sure I saw smoke coming out of her ears! If I remember correctly, our conversation went something like this:

Her: Not challenging enough? We’ll see. Why do you really want a different patient?

Me: Because I know everything about retinal detachment, and I want to learn about something new. (I made up a reason I thought she’d like.)

Her: Knowing from books is nothing. It’s about how you put that knowledge to practice. Knowing and doing are two different things.

You take care of her today and when your shift is over, write a paper on the challenges this patient faces and the role of the nurse in helping her deal with them.

Then she turned and walked away with the clicking of her heels echoing in the empty hallway.

That’s how Miss Sy rolled. She didn’t care if she was liked or not, all she cared about was teaching us to become the best nurses we could be.

I felt my eyes well up partly because I didn’t get my wish and partly because I felt I was being punished by having to write this paper. My 19-year-old ego didn’t take this well, but I collected myself and went to meet the woman I was assigned to care for.

Mrs. K turned out to be a very sweet yet challenging patient after all.

She was disoriented and scared, nauseated and struggling with a cough. She needed help with moving around as well as being quiet and patient while her eye healed.

I oriented her to her environment, helped her to eat and to take her medications.

I taught her how to minimize strain to avoid intraocular pressure and how to avoid post-op complications.

And after all the bases were covered, I even had a chance to find a small radio to save her from boredom. By the end of my shift, I knew about her life, her dreams and struggles, and the names of her grandchildren.

That day, Miss Sy and Mrs. K not only gave me an opportunity to put my knowledge into practice but also to realize how much more there was to Nursing than just the physical care.

My empathy muscle grew.

I got to listen deeply, understand the patient’s perspective, and provide emotional support — all of which allowed me to see my patient as a whole human being not just someone with a certain diagnosis.

I realized it was more important to me to give the best care I could give to the one I had the honor of serving than to want the momentary glory of shining as the smartest, the best, the one who got the toughest patient.

That kind of shine would fade away quickly, but the light I brought to Mrs. Kay would make a huge difference in her life.

Miss Sy knew this would happen of course as she smiled one of her rare big smiles and nodded her head reading the paper I had written after my shift.

And I’ve never forgotten that lesson.

How many times do we sit smugly in the satisfaction of knowing things, but do nothing about them.

It can be something simple like knowing someone could use your help but not reaching out.

It can be more complex, like knowing you don’t like racism, but not taking action against it

It’s easy to feel righteous sometimes — “oh I know how unfair things are for minorities; it hurts my heart to see women wearing a headscarf scorned; I’m not one of those intolerant people…”

But what are you doing about all that?

Is it because you’re waiting for a challenge better suited to your preferences?
Like I did when I was 19 years old.

Often it’s fear and/or the kind of laziness that comes from believing there’s no worth in our efforts.

That we don’t have the power to change things or the things we can change are too insignificant.

A “why bother” attitude based in fear.

What’s your fear?

All those years ago, mine was not looking as intelligent as my friend. I worried that others would dismiss me as inconsequential. The inexperienced teenager in me wanted the bigger fish as if the smaller one didn’t matter.

Many people believe their efforts on a small scale won’t make much of a difference.
After all, they’re just one person, what can they accomplish? It’s so much easier to blame the powers that be than try and make a difference in even the smallest way.

My client, Sandra, believed if only she got a promotion, she’d be in a better position to make a difference for the employees of her company. That might have been true, but was there nothing she could do right now?

After some inquiry, Sandra found several ways to help the employees under her own supervision, thus making a difference and bettering her chances for a promotion as well.

It might not have been the big recognition she wanted at the company level, but it was a start right where she was.

A friend likes to talk about how she would improve things for hard working people if she were governor or president. Another friend believes only celebrities have the kind of outreach to make a difference.

A higher position or celebrity status might have opportunity for more impact, but there’s plenty to do in our own communities, schools, neighborhoods.

That’s how change starts.

If each person shines a little light, gives a little love and compassion just in their corner of the world, what a difference we can make!

Knowing what needs to be done is not enough.

Doing nothing because your efforts won’t bring big, shiny, recognizable results right away is not acceptable.

What small thing will you take action on today?

We might not be able to change the entire world, but you and I can do something about what’s right in front of us, based on what we know to be true for us. And if we do that, we can make a big difference for someone as worthy as the whole world, like my Mrs. K.

One person at a time.

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.
~ Theodore Roosevelt

Follow Leda Asmar on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/LedaZAsmar

The Magic Of Finding A Mulberry Tree: How To Make A Difficult Job Or Life Situation Better

January 8, 2017

I posted this blog on Huffington Post on 6/16/16

When I was a child, we spent summers in a village where the streets had no names.

Life was simple there, especially in the early years.

There was no electricity; we came inside from running around outdoors just as mom was filling the kerosene lamps and lighting them.

She’d make us wash our arms and legs down to our feet in the large round basin filled with cold water before sitting down for dinner in the soft lamplight.

I vaguely remember the summer when tall poles went up in the streets and electricity finally was available for us.

Life was simple in the village, but not easy, especially for mom.

She did laundry by hand, hung it out to dry on lines between two trees outside. She had a gas burner in one corner of the bathroom with a vat on top where she used to heat water for laundry and baths. Next to it on the floor was a square, stone washbasin with a faucet supplying fresh water.

I hated that basin, but I’d pay good money for it now. To take a bath, we filled it halfway with cold water, and then using a large hollowed gourd as a ladle, we added hot water from the vat to it.

We had a low chair to sit on and wash ourselves and used the gourd ladle to rinse with the warm water.

I hated this procedure! I put up a big fight at bath time. It took forever to wash and rinse my long hair and I often ran out of warm water.

I hated it until the day I noticed the mulberry tree.

Right above the stone basin was a window looking out on the garden, and right outside the bathroom in that garden was a big tall mulberry tree, its branches reaching all the way to the window.

I was about eight years old when I discovered that if I put my feet on top of the stone basin sides very carefully and reached out through that window, I could have a mulberry party for one.

Bath time became a game after that.

I’d take my sweet time in there, washing some, then carefully climbing on the sides of the basin and eating mulberries butt naked. I savored the juicy sweetness of the dark red berries bursting in my mouth till I heard mom’s knock on the door and rushed to finish.

I told no one, because it was my own happy secret, but I didn’t fuss about baths anymore.

Years later, in the comfort of my suburban US home, when faced with an unpleasant task or situation, I’ve told myself – if only there was a mulberry tree outside the window.

It’s become my metaphor for adding, creating, finding something pleasurable about a pesky job that has to be done, something to make a tough situation better.

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a job or life situation that’s almost unbearable for you? You don’t like it, or you don’t like your boss, your co-workers; the job itself is not fulfilling.

You know you want to leave, but for some reason you stay. Maybe you don’t have the courage yet. Or you don’t believe there’s anything better out there. Or perhaps you’re looking for something else, but need to stay for the income until you find it.

But meanwhile what do you do?

You find a “mulberry tree.” That’s what.

Here are some ideas from my clients.

1. Bring your own “mulberry tree” to your office or life:

Jill decorated her cubicle with nature and animal photos she had taken on her many trips.

Lorraine propped one of her kids’ funny toys on a bookshelf to tickle her sense of humor and remember what’s most important to her.

Joanne took time for coffee with friends every time she had to make the difficult drive to the hospital for tests.

Mary put symbolic objects around her office, an angel figurine, some crystals and candles. These calmed her down.

Louise scheduled time for herself in her busy day as mom to four young children.

2. Be the “mulberry tree” yourself!

James found the atmosphere at his job aloof. No one seemed to be interested in anyone else; grumpy people everywhere. So he decided to change things himself by starting conversations, asking questions, listening, bringing people together. Soon enough, he and his coworkers were going for lunchtime walks and coffee breaks together.
Joanne organized a neighborhood pot luck dinner once a month. Neighbors who barely said hello to each other became a supportive community.

3. Notice the “mulberry trees” around you. Make an intention to look closer at the beauty that exists in your surroundings.

Mary had never noticed the beautiful park just outside her building!

Jill realized that a new, gorgeous flower arrangement was placed in the lobby every week and took a moment to appreciate it.

Joanne started to enjoy the beautiful grounds and small shops at the hospital, bringing home one small purchase after each treatment.

4. Play the game of recognizing acts of kindness around you.

James noticed a fellow commuter smiling at people around him every morning and started doing so himself. He got smiles and connection back.

Janet watched a co-worker give food to the homeless man at the corner regularly.

Lorraine realized one of her co-workers brought coffee for his team most mornings.

Life is full of “mulberry trees”. Look for them, notice them, recognize them and even be them. And watch your situation change!

Follow Leda Asmar on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/LedaZAsmar

Feeling Stuck? Do One Thing Differently to Find Creative Answers

January 8, 2017

I posted this blog on Huffington Post on 5/24/16

Several years ago, my husband and I were having some challenges.

We argued about basically the same things, presented in different scenarios, over and over again. Same old, same old.

Each of us had a story in our heads and it didn’t matter what the issue at hand was, we would react to that same story. She’s irresponsible; he doesn’t care; she forgets things all the time; he ignores my needs, and the best: You started it!

photo credit: iStock purchase

In short, we were stuck.

Which is ironic now in retrospect, many of my clients come to me because they’re stuck and afraid and don’t know how to wiggle themselves free from a particular situation.

Obviously, when a change is needed, it isn’t going to be easy. The need for big changes can feel overwhelming. They take courage and a willingness to be open to try new things.

Over the years, I’ve learned that one of the simplest way to start wiggling yourself out of that stuck place, like a child’s loose tooth, is by doing one thing differently.

When you switch up your approach, you’ll start seeing the situation from a new angle, which then opens you to more possibilities, enhancing your creativity and problem-solving skills.

In the situation with my husband, someone gave me a great piece of advice. She said: Change the darn script!

I imagined my husband and I with our lines written on a piece of paper, each standing on opposite sides on a stage on Broadway, reading off the same old scripts no matter what was going on. It was hilarious! (You had to be there.)

The next time I heard “you bought too much food again,” instead of a defensive reaction, I calmly said “I did, didn’t I?” and a conversation that normally turned into a fight, ended there.

I kept coming up with different responses depending on the issue at hand. I put away the old stories and responded kindly yet authentically in the present moment.

Of course this didn’t change things overnight, but before long, I was having too much fun with it, and no way was I going back to the old scripts.

After his initial shock, my husband understood what was going on and joined in the fun.
Changing our scripts took effort, a sense of humor, and a willing openness, and it was done in tiny steps.

It might have also saved my sanity!

Do people know what your response will be every time? Do they expect it? Surprise your mother, your girlfriend, your boss, your coworker, your spouse, and yourself with a different answer and see what happens.

photo credit: Leda Asmar

Here are five more suggestions for doing things differently. Pick one, then gradually apply that principle to other areas in your life and watch what happens!

1. Get lost on purpose.

Let the GPS recalculate directions all it wants.

Take a different route to or from work. You never know what you might see. A beautiful landmark, a pond with swans, a gorgeous tree you hadn’t seen before, a park, a parade.

Sometimes, if I have an extra half hour, I get lost on purpose, driving through new neighborhoods and checking out the landscaping.

I always get creative inspiration.

If someone asks why you were late, just say you got lost. It’s a pretty good excuse anytime.

2. Investigate different shopping possibilities.

Do you shop at the same grocery store and complain about what they don’t have?
Are the aisles so familiar you could find your way blindfolded?

Go to a different grocery store a bit further away from home, even if it’s the same chain store. I did this the other day and ran into an old friend I hadn’t seen in years. What a delight to catch up with her after having lost contact for so long. I also found an item I’d been looking for and couldn’t find in my regular store.

A chore turned into a fun trip that accomplished more than I’d imagined.

3. Change your walking path.

Do you always leave the house, turn right to the main street, then left and come back the same way?

Take a different path on your walks. I did this and found treasure. I went for a walk in my suburban neighborhood, decided to investigate the small walkway to the high school and guess what I found hidden there between the houses?

A dirt path! Several dirt paths, in fact, hidden in a wooded area. I’ve always wanted a dirt path to walk on and it was right there, under my nose.

Surprise yourself.

4. What kind of neighbor are you?

Do you even know who your neighbors are?

I’ve seen neighbors enter the elevator in a NYC high-rise building and stare at the floor panel without a word. But then others greet me and find a way to engage.

Stop and chat with the shy lady walking her dog on your street. You never know, you might just make her day, or she might end up becoming a trusted friend.

Be curious, say hello, greet someone, and give him or her a smile. You might not get one back, but who cares?

You be the change.

5. Investigate the local library.

Do you know where your public library is?

How long has it been since you last visited the one in your city? Never? Since you or your children last attended grade school?

Time to check it out!

They have stuff there! Like… books, videos, movies, classes, people and help.

Mine has book club discussions, lunch meetings and author visits. It’s quiet and pleasant and smells of books. Go work there for a bit, bring home something you want to read, chat with some new/old acquaintances.

Do something unexpected today.

Once you get good at this you’ll find it incredibly fun, like I do, and can start tackling the big changes, like changing your story, your thoughts, your mind, even your life.

For now, go look for treasure out there by doing one thing differently.

Follow Leda Asmar on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/LedaZAsmar

How to Know Yourself and Improve the Quality of Your Life By Decluttering Your House

January 8, 2017

I posted this blog on Huffington Post on 4/26/2016

It started with the great mug rebellion.

Over the years, I’d accumulated so many of them.
I had mugs that were gifts; souvenir mugs bought on many different trips around the country; mugs with wise quotes on them; mugs with rock star photos or signatures; yeah, more than a multitude of mugs.

They lived in the corner cupboard of my kitchen, where, because of the shape and depth of it, I could see and use only the ones in the first two rows.

One morning, I came downstairs sleepy eyed and as I reached for a coffee mug, had an incredible urge to move them all to a new place.

They whispered to me in conspiratorial tones. They were tired of standing at attention in the dark recesses of a hard-to-reach cupboard.

Ultimately, their call was so persistent that I pulled them all out onto the counter even before having my coffee.

I couldn’t understand this urge (yet), but I followed it, (A good lesson in itself.)

I packed up more than half the mugs to give away and found a new shelf for the ones I truly loved where they could all be seen and enjoyed.

I’d been talking for months about how I wanted to walk into my home, and light up with joy and peace.

Everything tidy and clean, everything belonging right where it was. This magical non-clutter would grant me the freedom to enjoy, create, relax, live, and do exactly what I wanted.

I also knew that the energy of that environment would influence my own. But it was all talk before the mugs got me started.

For the decluttering process that followed, I channeled Marie Kondo’s advice in The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up.

–Declutter in categories.

–Give each item your full attention.
This was difficult. There were happy memories, funny incidents that gave me giggling fits. But the process also brought out buried fears, hurts, and questions about old relationships, old patterns that didn’t serve me any longer.

Sitting with that pain and facing the fears took time, but afterward I felt liberated and grateful for all the lessons learned from living and accumulating stuff.

As my house gave up the unnecessary items, I worked through and discarded old, no longer useful thoughts and beliefs.

I didn’t think it would take very long because I’d never been a hoarder; I figured a week at most. But after over 40 years of marriage, two kids, and three homes, I’d accumulated… stuff.

Actually, it took me five whole months and a week to work through everything. And I came out the other side with greater self-knowledge and understanding.

How to use the decluttering process to help you know yourself:

1. Ask yourself questions. Lots and lots of questions. You might be surprised at the answers you get.

It’s a good way to dig deeper and understand what your motivations for a particular decision are, how your conditioned mind might be keeping you stuck in unhelpful patterns. It brings awareness to your fears and beliefs about obligations and lack vs. abundance.

Here are a few I asked myself:

• Do you think you won’t be able to afford to replace a rarely used gadget (should you decide to toss it), just in case you need it one day? Or it will have completely disappeared from the face of the planet?
• Do you believe you couldn’t possibly live without it?
• Do you have emotional attachments to objects from the past, or memories from loved ones? Will the memories and love fade away if the objects aren’t there?
• Do you feel guilty giving away gifts that have absolutely no use for you? What is the guilt about?
• Do you keep five sizes of clothing because you feel you might lose or gain weight and then you’ll have nothing to wear? What is the fear about?
• Do you buy extra food because it’s on sale and then end up throwing it away because it’s expired?

2. “Stuff” can function as metaphors for what’s going on in your personal life.

It has been said that every choice we make in the material world reflects the condition of our inner lives.

The words you use to describe what you like and dislike about your living space, what you decide to keep and what to discard are often powerful metaphors for your life.

Look at your living space and describe your most and least favorite areas. Don’t overthink this. Use adjectives like dark, bright, peaceful, disturbing, confusing, small, cramped, etc. Then ask yourself where in your life you find similar descriptions at work.

For example, I realized my least favorite space in the house is the tiny, windowless laundry room. It feels like a small, dark cave even with the ceiling light.

So based on my description, I asked myself, “What needs to see more light in my life?

I noticed my creative impulses had been buried and hidden for far too long. They needed to see more light. I wanted to write, photograph nature, even garden and cook more creatively.

3. Imagine replacing items that don’t bring you joy with those that would.

Once you identify areas or objects you don’t love in your home, close your eyes and think of places and things you love. Describe how they make you feel. Maybe more open, daring, colorful than your normal way of being.

Replace unloved items you’re discarding with some object that gives you the feelings you described above. Repeat until you love the space you hated before. Even one small change like this has a “butterfly effect” on the rest of your life experience.

For example, I live in an area where there’s no body of water and I love the ocean. I hung a beautiful painting of the ocean in my living room. This made me feel good and remember my love for the waves, so I decided to visit the ocean as much as possible on my vacations. This is leading to planning for retirement near the ocean.

You can use the same process on many other things, like your calendar, career, and relationships.

Find a pattern in a part of your life you dislike and want to change. This could be anything, a way of communicating, scheduling dilemmas, people pleasing tendencies. Imagine and describe a more beautiful and coherent life you desire. Find something you can do or bring into your life that fits the description of your desired life. Bring that new pattern in and discard the old one.

A small change can lead you down a totally different path over time.

This brings me to the original urge to get those mugs out of the corner cabinet. There was a message for me in there.

4. Don’t hide what matters to you.

What was this urge to move the mugs really telling me? Bring stuff out into the open, look at it, get rid of the unwanted, and keep what you do want where you can see it.

Hidden up high where I couldn’t see or reach them, the mugs were a metaphor for everything hidden and unseen in my life. Thoughts, beliefs, habits, relationships, shadow elements, and fears — they all need to be looked at on a regular basis.

The Great Mug Rebellion wasn’t without some casualties. Only a few made it into the new cupboard shelf (one that was lower and easier for me to reach). And I’m much more aware now of my need to re-examine habits, relationships and beliefs and question their value in my life.

Ultimately, I learned to listen to my inner voice; to enjoy my belongings, love them and use them now. I learned a way to look deeper into what makes me happy and how to go about creating a life I love one step at a time. I learned to surround myself with the objects, people, and thoughts that create more love.

Clear space. Clear Mind. Clear Heart.

Follow Leda Asmar on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/LedaZAsmar

My Apple Tree

March 30, 2016

My apple tree.

Growing up, apples trees were pretty prominent in my life. We had apple orchards in the summer village, almost everyone did. Apple picking was one of the fun times in my memory and we enjoyed apples year round.

I have an apple tree in my yard in Michigan. A semi dwarf golden delicious I planted 20 years ago on my father’s advise.

For years I ignored it. It was there at the edge of the lawn doing its thing, being an apple tree. Some years the apples were stricken by disease, other years, they were surprisingly healthy.

A few years ago, the tree bore so much fruit that its branches broke under their weight! That’s when it finally had my attention. I called the tree doctor, who trimmed it and cleaned it and it looked pretty and proud again. I started visiting it frequently. One day as I walked nearer to it, I had the urge to hug it. It was a very comforting, welcoming feeling, almost like being hugged by my parents and all my ancestors. And as I looked up I saw their faces smiling at me through the branches of the tree.

Then I circled around it and hugged it again and again. I noticed that no matter from which direction I approached, north, east, south or west, the tree had two strong open branches for me to fit right in, like 2 outstretched arms waiting for a hug.

My tree remains unshaken by too much weight or weary visitors or a crazy woman hugging it and resting her head on its comforting branches. Deer love to eat its leaves, birds love to sit in the safety of its branches, and ducks and squirrels love to rest in its shade. I love to hug it, every day, and learn from it the lessons it teaches me – Be loving, kind and generous; you’re strong and grounded in mother earth; look up to the sky for energy and light; be a safe place for all visitors.

I hope it continues to give that kind of warm embrace and comfort to someone else long after I’m gone.

How to Dissolve Your Big, Dark Blob of Emotional Pain

August 21, 2015

Have you ever been stuck in a downward spiral of painful emotions?

Something happens during your day that hurts you, but it doesn’t stop with just the initial pain. It avalanches into a huge ball of agony, with sharp edges and horns, maybe even a devil’s tail.

It could be as small a thing as an inconsiderate remark from a colleague, or intense pressure from a job situation, a relationship argument, or even the incredible distress of watching a loved one get hurt.

I’ve been thinking about emotional pain quite a bit lately. Partly because I’ve had a long history with it and partly because after a relatively peaceful period, I found myself smack in the middle of a downward spiral a few weeks ago. I felt betrayed by a close friend.

The waves of pain swirled around me and with each turn pulled me deeper and deeper into the vortex. I drowned in it.

Every so often, I’d see some light, some levity, as if a lifeline was being lowered to me to grab onto and climb up; but I’d always lose my grip on it and by the force of my own thoughts and determination, would slip back down to stay in pain!

Yes, I was determined to stay in that tortuous place as if it was the noble thing to do!

To make matters worse, I started treating myself with anger and contempt. Ha! Some coach you are! Look at you not being able to coach yourself out of this one!

This experience soon became a huge black blob; it grew arms and legs and walked around with me.

What had happened here? Old pain and habits were triggered, old storytelling habits. I was hooked, as the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron would say, hooked in a chain reaction by sheer force of habit.

The thoughts and stories I added to this initial pain blob were hilarious in retrospect.

She’s all about herself! Doesn’t even realize what she has done; didn’t even apologize; She used me and discarded me just like you know who! Last year, I let so and so do the same thing! They all stabbed me in the back, betrayed me! When will I ever learn to consider myself first?

Every time I remembered the incident, another (similar) story was added to it.

First, I closed myself off in an old habit of trying to protect myself and repress the actual pain. My old flee and hide response.

Then I noticed myself being snarky in my comments to others; yep, a bit of the old fight response. This is when I knew I had to pause.

But how does one pause when old habits and crazy thoughts are so overpowering?

Here’s what worked for me: Four suggestions for how to get yourself out from under the big dark blob of emotional pain.

1. Breathe. First take several deep breaths with your attention completely on the breath going in, coming out. Notice that there’s a tiny little pause between inhales and exhales. Aah, tiny gaps where you can practice complete stillness. To help with anxiety, make the exhale a bit longer than the inhale.

Next just observe your natural breath. Are you holding it at times? Is it deep or shallow? Does it go as far as your belly? Your breath will help you stay in the present moment.

2. Pause. Stop the stories, stop the words and thoughts, and stop talking to yourself and others about it! Just pause for now and keep focusing on your breath.

When you notice your mind telling you stories about the incident, say, WAIT! It stands for Why Am I Talking. Come back to just the breath, let the thoughts pass by like clouds in your sky.

Use kindness and humor with your thoughts and stories. – Well, hello there darling! I see you, I hear you, and I know you. For now, I’m going to let you sit over there on the sofa.

With each story your mind tells, bring yourself back to the present moment, to NOW. What’s happening now? Is anyone taking advantage of you now? Is anyone betraying you now? Are you betraying yourself now? This minute. Breathe.

If the thoughts become uncontrollable, reassure yourself that they won’t get lost, by jotting them down somewhere to question later when you’re out of the spiral. You can approach them with curiosity then and analyze their truth and usefulness in your life.

3. Sit with the initial pain. Feel it. Where is it in your body? In your chest, throat, stomach? What is the felt sensation? Burning, cold, squeezing, or just pressure perhaps? Allow it to be what it is with no stories attached.

Can you allow it to be there?

What I felt was a rock sitting on my heart. One of my clients complains that if she lets herself do this, it feels like she’s sitting in a huge fire. Sit in the fire, it will burn away the old habits and let the pain flow out.

Can you come closer to that sensation in your body?

You don’t have to immerse yourself in it, but maybe close enough to have a dialogue with it like you would with a friend. Welcome it. You can ask it what’s causing this intense pain and just listen silently, maybe you’ll get a message, and an insight into what this is really all about. This pain wants to be heard and acknowledged by you, not suppressed or blurted out in unconscious reaction.

If it gets too uncomfortable, step out of the fire to a more comfortable place for a bit, maybe watch the birds, walk out in nature, or look at photos of loved ones. When you feel ready, come back to the pain.

4. Bring Compassion. Lastly, every time you notice you’re being harsh, for whatever reason, bring loving kindness and compassion to yourself. If you’re berating yourself for not being a
good person for having these thoughts; or not taking better care of yourself, give yourself a big hug. You’re human and perfect in your imperfection.

As you sit with your pain with kindness and curiosity, you’ll discover what the deeper issues are, where the hurt is coming from and you’ll be able to comfort that pain.

Pause and give yourself the chance to choose a different reaction. Once you’re thinking clearly again, you can decide what to do about your trigger situation. As I found out, the blob of emotional pain often dissolves by itself and there’s nothing left to resolve.

Meet your Self

August 20, 2015

Too often we spend our lives looking for love, acceptance, recognition. We think it’s out there somewhere and it’s going to make us happy once we find it. But what we’re looking for is inside us; all of it, the love, the acceptance, the compassion and the peace. Only when we find that love for ourselves, we’ll be bale to love others fully. This poem says it perfectly. It’s your life, feast on it.

Much love,
Leda

March 11, 2015

Life brings friction with it. I don’t think I’ve met anyone whose life has been one smooth sailing. It’s natural not to enjoy the friction, but we can try to think of it as a way of growth for us, a way to shine our own unique light. That makes it bearable, no?

One of my favorite poets says:

“If you are irritated by every rub, how will your mirror be polished” ~ Rumi

Much love,

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