A few years ago I got my one and only traffic ticket and went to court to contest it.  Sitting there for two hours moving up the line one chair at a time, I started chatting with a 30-something woman next to me who seemed to be having an anxiety attack. Let’s call her Jill. It turned out this was Jill’s 7th speeding ticket in 2 years and she was worried she would lose her driver’s license. The judge had already forgiven a few of her tickets but she was sure this was the end. I asked the obvious question:

– Why do you speed then?

~ Because I’m terrified I’ll be late to work?

– Why don’t you set your alarm 15 minutes earlier?

~ It’s no good. I just hit the snooze button.

– Maybe you could go to bed earlier?

~ It’s not that. I just don’t want to get up. I don’t even have time to put make up on. I do it while driving.

– What?! Why risk a speeding ticket and worse, an accident where you injure yourself, or worse, injure someone else?

~ (small voice) Because I don’t want to go to work. (/small voice)

Then tears.

How about you?

• Is your life not going that well?

You hate your job. You hit snooze 5 times, like Jill, before you can force yourself to get up and get ready for work. You’re habitually late maybe because the person in the next cubicle drives you crazy with incessant chatting on phone, chewing gum, invading your space or having you do his work. Plus your boss is an inconsiderate, arrogant fool.

Or maybe your social life sucks. You don’t like anyone around you. You haven’t gone on a date in ages, or you’re constantly fighting with your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend; even your cat hates being around you which actually is normal for cats maybe.

• Or maybe life is going well for you.

You have a pretty good job, sometimes it gets boring and sometimes it gets too overwhelming, but in general, it goes at a steady pace. Your co-workers are nice, your boss is nice, you have a Christmas party and Secret Santa and an annual BYOB picnic.

Your social life is fine too. You have a group of friends you have fun with, you have a pretty pleasant family, and you even have a nice boyfriend. All is well.

But, every now and then, you get a sense, a small voice whispering to you perhaps, that something is just not right, not enough. Something’s missing or a lot is missing. You’re not excited about your life as much as you’d like to be.

• Or your life is just perfect in every way possible.

If you belong in this last group, what are you doing here? Stop reading this right now and go enjoy your life!

But if you see yourself in the first or second group, or some variation of those, you might want to read ahead.

How do you figure out what’s missing?

What would make an acceptable life a good life and a good life an even better life?
What would make a bad thing a little better and then a little more better until it’s a lot better.

I think there are several steps to it. In later blogs I will take each one of these steps and elaborate on them, but for now, a brief description of them will suffice, since I’m over my imaginary word count.

• 1. Get to know who you are.

Not you, Jill, mother, daughter, wife, girlfriend, secretary, accountant, nurse, etc… But You who is none of those, You who lives in your body. The You whose voice you hear in your heart sometimes. That You. And if you haven’t met her yet, I can help introduce you to her. Dr. Martha Beck calls this You, your essential self while Dr. Russ Harris calls her the observer.

• 2. Accept you in your life in the present moment.

Whatever it is. This is where you are. It doesn’t matter where you could have been, where you should have been, what you lost, what you gave up what was taken away. This is where you are NOW. Accept it as it is (don’t panic… just for now)

• 3. Do the unthinkable! Love yourself as you are right now.

Your thighs are too big? Your chin is too weak, you get easily angry, you don’t speak up when you feel you should… whatever it is you see as wrong with yourself, love her. Love you unconditionally.

• 4. Once you reach this point, trust yourself.

Trust yourself because you know what’s best for you more than anyone else. More than your mom, your girlfriends, your boyfriend, your boss, and your life coach! This will take some time but once you learn to be in touch with that You, not just the other you, it will get easier.

• 5. Have faith in yourself that you will be able to deal with any situation.

You’ll be able to change what you’d like to change, go after what you’d like to go after.

YOU will empower you.

If you do this, I don’t think you will ever get 7 speeding tickets going to work because you never wanted to go to work in the first place.

I don’t know what happened to Jill. I wish I kept in touch. I was not a trained life coach then, and didn’t pursue helping her.

As for me, even after I explained to the judge that I had turned left on the yellow light because that was the only way one could turn left on that boulevard, in those few seconds between yellow and red; and even when I told him that I actually did a good thing helping traffic move and there was no sign that said no turn on yellow, he advised me to pay the fee and offered to take the offense off my record.

– What if I don’t?

~ Don’t argue. You can’t take this to a higher court. The police department needs your financial help.

And so I helped the police department. That’s how I like to think of it.

Let me know your thoughts, dear reader.

Do you have any New Year’s Eve traditions?

When I was younger, it was cool to go to a big party, or give a big party. So I did that.

Then the kids came along, and it got harder to party to the wee hours, so we settled for smaller parties.

Now the kids are not kids anymore, they’re out on their own, making their own traditions, but I find it still hard to party all night. So my husband and I stay home most of the time, have a good meal, watch celebrations from around the world on TV, and often fall asleep on the sofa. One of us might snore.

One thing I’ve always enjoyed though is write in my journal. Make lists, observations, plans, whatever comes up on an evening like this one.

There were times when deep into the month of December, I used to think of “resolutions” for the next year. Lose weight /get fit were usually at the top of the list. Most years, I didn’t follow through with any of the resolutions. I don’t know anyone who did.

Then there was a period when the word “resolutions” was offensive to me, so I substituted it with “intentions”. It didn’t make any difference because in my head, they were the same exact thing. I resolve to exercise, I intend to exercise, I plan to exercise, yadda yadda yadda.

This year, I want to go backwards for a few minutes, look at 2013, and maybe that will give me a better idea of how to approach 2014.

The questions I want to ask myself are: What did I learn in 2013, even maybe what did I accomplish, that makes me content and fulfilled right now. What did I learn about myself, others, our universe.

What a wonderful year it’s been in that respect. I have too many answers to those questions but I will share a few, in no particular order.

1. I learned that happiness is not something you pursue.

So stop chasing after it, groping, grasping at it. Be still, ask for what you want, take some steps towards it, then let go and watch it come to you.

2. I learned that life is love.

Let it flow. It’s a fountain of love deep inside you and me. When we look out at the world through that, everything we see is colored in love.

3. I learned that I am unique yet the same as everyone else.

A unique representation of the whole. I don’t have to agree with others, condone their actions, or hang out with them, but I can accept them as parts of me and part of the whole.

4. I learned that there’s no such thing as perfection. Or maybe just the opposite, it’s all perfection.

Love yourself as you are.

5. I learned that there’s a source for guidance inside me and I can access it anytime, anywhere.

It’s like finding gold! Everyone has the same source inside them. We’re all rich! Quiet your mind and you’ll hear the guidance.

6.  I learned to “allow”.

Allow the present moment to be what it is.  Allow my feelings to be what they are. Allow others to be who they are. Allow myself to be who I am. Allow.

7. I learned many of the answers are in Nature.

I will plan for more of its wisdom for 2014.

8. Bonus. I learned that squirrels will be squirrels.

I might as well try to befriend them, or learn to ignore them.

So here’s to 2014!  I plan to build on what I learned in 2013 and follow those hot tracks. Here’s to love, compassion, friends and simple joys.

How about you?

I’d love to hear your New Year’s thoughts.

Do you remember the innocent you? .

• The child who was born happy, carefree.
• The little girl who had not learned all kinds of man-made rules yet, not learned how to shut herself off, how to stifle her voice not to make waves.
• The free spirit who dared to want, play, love, believe.

I remember the dress.  Her mother had made it for her; it was beautiful in pink and white and she felt pretty in it.  I don’t    remember what the occasion was and I don’t remember if she was happy or was asked to smile for the photographer.  The picture is blurry and faded just like my memory, but I recognize her eyes, her big smile, her vibrant spirit.

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For a long time I had forgotten her.  She had disappeared.  I’m sure she was calling my name from somewhere deep inside but I was too busy and somewhat deaf.  I was busy loving my sons with everything I had; busy losing my identity to the role I was playing in life; busy getting hurt, developing a huge “pain body” inside created by feelings of un-fulfillment, neglect, abandonment, even nonexistence.  I felt numb.  I died.  Then things shifted, everything aligned in the universe to bring me back to consciousness, slowly, gradually, painfully.

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One morning I looked in the mirror and there she was staring at me with those big brown eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks.  She didn’t say a word but her eyes asked, why did you leave me behind? I hugged her and we cried together, then we laughed together.  I’ll never leave you again, I promised.  I need  your innocence, joy, faith and warmth with me always.  She has never left me since.

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I meet her every morning in the mirror and we smile hello.  Today, we sang songs, we doodled, we laughed at the silly birds who forgot to fly south, and we sent my sons funny texts with smiley faces.  Tomorrow, well it hasn’t happened yet but we might dance.

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That’s the story of how I found the free spirited innocent child in me.

How about you? .
Do you miss her? .

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1. Find old photographs, faded or not.
2. Frame them, put them on a poster board, put them anywhere you can see them easily.
3. Look in your mirror, find her in your eyes, in your smile.
4. Talk to her
5. Listen to her.
6. Bring her back home.

And please share your story with me.

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Have you ever felt that you need permission to do something you want or need to do?

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I’m not talking about general polite permissions or legal permits, like may I have this dance, please; may I borrow your lawnmower? May I give your child a lollipop? Or permission from the city to construct an addition to your house or have a yard sale.

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I’m talking about permission to be yourself, to care for yourself, to want something, to dream of possibilities for yourself.

I’m actually talking about permission for one of the most basic needs in life. Permission to rest!

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There was a time in my life that I must have believed that I had no rights or needs, because it was my job to take care of everyone else. I think I might have thought I’m a robot, or Wonder Woman or perhaps Mary Poppins.  I don’t know how I got to that place, but it was so bad that I actually needed permission to rest, from whoever was around, even if that was a child. Really. I’m exhausted, may I rest? So lame!

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My son, who was 10 then,  remembers an incident when he tried to straighten me out.

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It was 4:30 pm and I had just come home with my sons from their piano lessons. I knew I had to start on dinner preparations but I couldn’t keep my eyes open, my body ached and I needed a nap, a rest. So this is what I said to my son:

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Michael, I’m so tired. I think I might lie down here on the sofa a bit. Maybe I shouldn’t. Don’t let me fall asleep and not get up in time to make dinner before dad gets home. I’m so tired. I had to get up early to do the laundry and grocery shopping, then you know I was at your school making books in the publishing center all afternoon, then we had to go to piano, I didn’t sleep much last night either… I’m so tired.  I should really start cooking but maybe just half an hour? Please come wake me up if I fall asleep, OK? Or maybe it’s better if I don’t…

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Michael, clearly irritated by my ramblings: Mom! You don’t owe me or anyone else an explanation why you need to rest! You can rest. You don’t need permission to rest. If you don’t make dinner, we’ll order pizza! Who cares about dinner!  Just rest.

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 So Michael gave me permission to rest that day, and I did. Just that day.

Some years later, I read an article in O magazine by my mentor, Dr. Martha Beck. I don’t remember details but basically she was giving me permission to go hide in the cornfields and rest. So I took a nap and dreamed of cornfields that day.

But it was a long time before I gave myself permission not to ever need permission to rest. I rest all the time now and I enjoy it very much.

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How about you?
• Your primary responsibility is to yourself. Did you know that?

• You don’t have to please anyone else.

• You don’t need permission from anyone!.

• If you don’t care for yourself, love and respect your needs, you won’t be able to do your best for the others you love in your life.

• But if you feel you absolutely need it, I GIVE YOU PERMISSION to rest whenever you’re tired or even whenever you simply want to. And that includes you too, Michael!

I’d love to hear how you gave yourself permission to rest this week.

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Only to the Next Tree

I’ve been paralyzed into inaction lately by the enormity of the projects I’ve undertaken.  Overwhelmed!

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De-clutter the closets; learn how to maintain a website; create the content for said website. write a cookbook, learn how to take better photos, raise money for brain cancer research, and maybe even cook dinner. Each one of these projects is time consuming and detail oriented; each will need planning, creativity and focus.

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At first I was excited about these projects, then the paralysis hit me. So after feeling sorry for myself for a few days, then not being able to decide which one and where to start for a few more days, then procrastinating for more than a few more days, I remembered something from my childhood.  Apple picking with my cousin Jack. Now you might think what does apple picking have to do with de-cluttering the closet. Be patient my dears. There was a reason for a lesson to be learned way back then – to help me in situations like this now.

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When I was a child, in the summers we went to the village where the streets, not only in song, but literally had no name.

So the other day, as soon as I heard that whisper again, “Only to the next tree”, I was fine, my paralysis lifted. I knew I was going to de-clutter the closets 10 minutes at a  time, even one clothing item at a time. Only to the next hanger. I would be able to learn website management one tree…er.. task at a time, and I would be able to write this content one paragraph, even one sentence at a  time.

Dr. Martha Beck calls this concept Turtle Steps. One little turtle step at a time.

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 .Are you overwhelmed by a task? Don’t know where to start?

 .Here’s a simple trick:

• Identify the task.
• Divide it up into trees, turtle steps, small chunks.
• Then walk to the next tree. It’s too much? Walk halfway to the next tree. Take 5 steps to the next tree. Alright, one step!
• Just start. You don’t have to finish it today.
• Plan to spend half an hour on it, maybe even just 5 minutes. You might surprise yourself and finish it sooner than you thought.  One tree at a time.

Let me know how it goes.

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